Change Your Relationship with Your Inner Critic
Transform your inner critic using IFS
I used to believe my inner critic. Every pushy, critical, demeaning thing my inner critic said, I felt was true. I didn’t know it was just a part of me that was scared and trying to help me. Because I was so caught up in how lousy it made me feel.
My inner critic didn’t realize that it was adding to the problem and was not as effective as it thought. And I didn’t know how else to work with it besides allowing it to push me harder or to stay hidden.
Even as I sit down to write this, the inner critic is in the background whispering that I don’t have much to offer on this topic, so I should stop writing. When I don’t pause to see what the inner critic needs from me, other parts of me start reacting to it. I feel squirmy in my chair and tense in my shoulders and head. Like other parts of me are trying to help me get away from this critical voice.
So I stop, pause, and go inside. (Yes, this stops the flow of my writing, but hopefully it’s worth it not to have a headache by the end of this.) And inside I find 2 inner critics, both with similar fears and intentions. I feel calmer, more grounded, and more appreciative of their intentions.
And now I’m going to share with you how you can change your relationship with your inner critic, too. So you can understand its fears, honor its intentions, and be a resource to it, instead of fighting against it.
Understanding Inner Critics Through the IFS Lens
The process I’m using to connect with my inner critic is a therapeutic model called Internal Family Systems, or IFS. It was developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, who discovered that clients were experiencing various parts within themselves, some of which took on extreme roles to protect them. (See resource links below to learn more about IFS, or parts work.)
So, instead of thinking of people as having one personality, Internal Family Systems (IFS) views people as having subpersonalities who interact internally and externally with others. From an IFS lens, the inner critics, or the collection of critics, are seen as parts of us that are trying to protect us and keep us safe by using a harsh voice inside. Although their language is harsh, they often want what is best for us.
By using an IFS lens, you can discover that inner critics carry fears and also positive intentions.
For instance, an inner critic may fear you being alone and is trying to rid you of anything it sees as a weakness or undesirable trait.
Once you realize that your inner critic genuinely cares about you, but has a misguided strategy, you can begin to learn what it needs from you to soften. You may find that this inner critic can become an ally once it feels less alone inside.
How Fighting or Ignoring Your Inner Critic Makes It More Scared
The inner critic is often the first part, or voice, on the scene when you make a mistake, take a risk, or experience almost anything that it doesn’t want to feel. At first glance, this inner voice seems like an inner bully because it can leave you feeling stressed out or really bad about yourself.
So it makes sense that most people want to try to get rid of their inner critic or at least try to silence or ignore it. But the more you try to get away from your inner critic, the louder or more subversive it may become.
Because the truth is, your inner critic is a part of you that is trying to get your attention. And it doesn’t know any other way to protect you from the things it fears. So what if you could learn to coach your inner critic instead of trying to rise above or away from your inner critic?
How IFS Can Help You Transform Your Inner Critic
Since IFS doesn’t view the inner critic as an enemy that it needs to silence, it offers a different path to relating to your inner critic more compassionately. When you see the inner critic as a part that is trying to prevent bad things from happening to you, then you can appreciate its intentions, even if you don’t agree with the way it’s trying to keep you safe.
Here are some ideas for working with your inner critic in a new way:
Notice Your Inner Critic: The first step is recognizing when your inner critic is present. Even if it feels present almost all the time, recognizing the inner critic is a part of you, but not all of you, helps you begin to separate from it. So notice what it feels like when your inner critic is present and let it know you notice its presence. (Learn more about the 7 types of inner critics here, as you may have more than one!)
Get to Know Your Inner Critic’s Fears & Intentions: Next, notice how open your heart is to getting to know your inner critic. Instead of trying to tune it out or get it to go away, lean into having a conversation with your inner critic. Approach it with curiosity like you would a good friend that you aren’t trying to change. (See journal prompts below for some ideas.)
Get Curious about What Your Inner Critic Needs: Once the conversation is flowing with your inner critic, ask it what it needs from you to feel less scared or nervous about the situation that activated it. Or if your inner critic doesn’t trust you, ask it what it needs from you to build trust inside.
How is this landing for you? If you only get through the first step, that’s a great start. Small movements in recognizing this is a part of you, and not all of you, will help your internal system start to shift.
Also, many of our inner critics have been around for a long time, so other parts have really strong feelings and counter-strategies for dealing with the inner critic. Know it’s ok to get support when learning to change your relationship with your inner critic. So if this has piqued your interest, keep reading for more ways to get support on your journey of ever-evolving.
I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings after you read and reflect on this article. And if you’d love to go a little deeper, here are some journal prompts and heart-nourishing resources for you:
Journal Prompts for Working with Your Inner Critic
From a curious and compassionate place inside of you, journal with your inner critic:
When your inner critic is present, what do you feel, see, or hear?
Ask your inner critic: What do you want me to know about you?
Ask inner critic: What are you afraid will happen if you don’t do this inside of me?
Ask inner critic: What do you hope or desire for me?
Ask inner critic: If you knew I was safe, what would you rather be doing?
Heart Nourishing Resources for Transforming Your Inner Critic
Work with an IFS therapist: If you need help unblending and transforming your inner critic, work with an IFS therapist (Search the IFS directory here for an IFS therapist near you). Or, I’ve completed about 50 hours of IFS training so far, and in the fall, I will begin certification in IFS. (If you are in Missouri and want to work with an IFS-inspired therapist, schedule a free phone call with me here.)
Learn more about IFS: Check out my IFS playlist on YouTube for interviews with the founder of IFS, IFS therapists, including a demo of IFS work.
Identify which type of inner critic you have: Listen to the brief podcast on the 7 different types of inner critics identified by IFS therapist, Jay Earley.
I hope you find one of these ideas or resources inspiring!